1. You don’t have to shave. Actually, married people don’t shave either, so I guess it’s a win-win for everyone.
2. You won’t get engaged. On Valentine’s. In a restaurant.
3. You won’t post pictures on Facebook of the roses your husband got you.
4. If you don’t have kids you don’t have to stay up til 1 a.m. making crappy Valentine’s for snotty-nose terds don’t appreciate them anyway; moms do it for their own self-worth — so other moms won’t judge them.
5. You don’t have to shave. I feel like that’s worth mentioning twice. And I’m not explaining this further because a few of my parents’ friends read this blog and I do a spectacular job of feeling like a bad person on my own.
6. You will do something you regret. Like going to a bar and shacking up with a dude who uses more hair gel than you. And this is good because you’ll hate yourself for it later. And you’ll go to therapy. And you’ll learn more about yourself than if you hadn’t hooked up with that guy and didn’t go to therapy. I’m just saying.
7. Butterflies and lust are a part of your future, not your past.
8. You don’t have married-people sex. And I’m not suggesting you have unmarried people sex. You’re just not having married people sex and married people I’m not saying you have lame sex; what I mean by “married people” sex is you do “paper, rock, scissors” for who’s on top. (Just kidding friend who told me this no I’m not.)
9. You don’t risk being let down because you got him a watch and he got you an electric can opener. THAT HAS HAPPENED TO SOME OF US.
10. You get to focus on your career and explore your identity and grow spiritually and watch chick flicks while painting your nails and actually I’m just kidding you’re going to die alone in a nursing home that smells like mold where they beat you if you ask for more soup.