For whatever it’s worth, a quick note to let you know I’ll be taking a break from writing for the rest of the month. I’ll be holding my daughter tighter, breathing in the smell of her hair and skin, tucking her in with extra blankets until she is cocooned in her bed, crying myself to sleep another few nights until I can find a way to reconcile that I can do nothing to guarantee her safety.
I’ve never felt so vulnerable. I want to stop obsessing, but I feel like I would be abandoning those grieving parents if I move on. Those precious children deserve more than my Facebook rants, my tears, my fear. But for now all I can do is hold my little girl as close and as often as possible. Kiss her. Kiss her again and again and again. On her warm cheeks. On her nose. On her forehead. Turn off the lights, tune out the noise around me, and turn to God for peace and strength.
I’ll be praying the same for you. And for the aching families.
Jesus now holds these children in His arms Katie as they laugh and giggle. He tickles them and tells them stories. He teaches them to have forgiving hearts and they play as if nothing happened at all. The teachers are there still holding class and playing with all the animals. The gardens are full and blooming, the children are singing and playing ring around the rosie, a pocket full of posies and the warmth of the sun hits the side of my face as I watch in my dreams that God gave me. This I am thankful for, that He can give me this vision to help me sleep at night and not live in fear and to know the wounded are healed and He conquered death just as with these children and the teachers that loved them. My prayers are not for the children, my prayers are for the parents and loved ones who are left behind to bear the burden of their loss. Sleep tight Katie, love your daughter as you always have and keep your bubbly self in motion for the rest of the world. Love you, your always friend, Kathryn and in Jesus Holy Name.
It helped me to read Kelle Hampton’s blog last night (http://www.kellehampton.com/2012/12/restoration.html). She quotes a book called Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. I apologize in advance for the long quote from the blog post: Brown refers to her research of families who have lost children and experienced unspeakable traumas in life and what she learned from them: “Don’t squander joy. We can’t prepare for tragedy and loss. When we turn every opportunity to feel joy into a test drive for despair, we actually diminish our resilience. Yes, softening into joy is uncomfortable. Yes, it’s scary. Yes, it’s vulnerable. But every time we allow ourselves to lean into joy and give in to those moments, we build resilience and we cultivate hope. The joy becomes part of who we are, and when bad things happen—and they do happen—we are stronger.” (from Daring Greatly, Gotham Books, 2012)
So I spent the morning not squandering the joy of my girls.
Hugs to you!
Rachel
We’re taking some time to focus on our family here too. A good reminder as we start the new year. Let 2013 be a year of treasuring our loved ones.
Sarah, I really like that resolutions. Simple and sacred.